Dear K,

Lots of Love, P.

Exhausted.

I always get to a point when I'm just tired of trying. I want to give up, not because it isn't worth it or wasn't but simply just because I have no strength to endure anymore disappointments. I have my fair share of closeted disappointments already -I don't need to add any more. But how do i give up. How do i just stop. And do I really want to. I don't want any regrets or feeL guilty when I look back - The past would be such an unpleasant place to visit if it were full of regrets - I havent been able to figure any of these questions that have been throbbing in my mind for .. who knows. But my fucking brain is on the verge of being fried. Set myself a date, deadline and by then .. by then I still will be hoping and trying pathetically. Because as much as I want to grow some balls, I am a sucker for second, third, fourth .. chances. Lets just say I'm extremely persistent then, in the best way too of course.

You rock my world.

Happy 20 months Baby.

I wish I was brave.

I spend so much time dreaming. Or pretending everything is a dream, wishing how things could be instead of confronting and facing or accepting what is right in front of me. I watch movies and see the hero characters stepping up to harsh realities and wish so badly & desperately that I could do the same in my everyday battles of petty problems. There are days where I get up and miraculously motivate myself to get out of bed and face the day, but when it's a day where I am intimidated by the possibility of failure, I cower under my sheets and slowly and patheticly make an attempt to be productive. I want to be able to deal with eveyrthing head on, with confidence - NO FEAR. I need something real to inspire me. Not magazines, or videos or youtube clips. Real inspiration. I don't remember the last time I was truly inspired.

I wish I was more independant.
I want to be stronger.
I need to be braver.

Teenage Dream.

You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the puch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

This is Bliss.

You make me smile like the sun,
fall out of bed
Sing like bird,
dizzy in my head
Spin like a record,
crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool,
forget how to breathe
Shine like gold,
buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you
can drive me wild.

Oh, you make me smile

Playing With Paper.

Grill'd my Cravings.

Watching Masterchef lately has made me crave for pasta. Finally got to indulge in some at La Porchetta. As you can see, I got a little excited with my vegetarian ravioli. I don't usually eat pasta with mushroom sauce or carbonara but I love it with Joshs gnocchi.





























Went and got some Grill'd after my premlimnary presentaitons Tuesday. MMMM, loving the Summer Sunset. Tried the Tuscan Delight, not so great.

Twenty.

Joshs 20th at Hallah & Crown.

That time of the year.

Tan 'leather' jacket mum bought for me on bridge roaf for $39.
Over-sized knit for $8 from Savers.
Sunflower knitted cardi $4 from Salvos.



























































Over my many mad splurges at Diva, this is me cutting down. Love this time of the year though, despite my dresser overflooding with accessories I can never get enough. And I think its me expressing my desperate need to shop, like really shop.

2 x set of bangles
3 X necklaces
3 x rings

= :) ... (Orginal Price $172)

Oh passion, where art thou?

I've been so lost lately. I'm always lost, but this time it's in regards to my passion and future in design. I am in my third year at RMIT undertaking a bachelor of design in Interior Design. In year 12, it's not what I wanted, but somehow my initial desire to be an architect, at present doesn't seem to be a good idea anyway. I loved and would like to think that I was fairly talented in graphic design and photography. At least my passion for it burned very brightly. I don't recall being very excited with my architectural assignments I did in visual & communication classes. Only the graphic components.

The past few years I've found it really hard to motivate myself to do work. I'd love to be an architect and an interior designer. The title no doubt sounds grand, and being equipped with the skills and knowledge in this discipline of design would indeed be verrrry verryyy, very awesome. I come across a range of interior and architectural works and everytime, I would burn with inspiration. But not motivation. I get excited about it. But when it comes to uni, I can never bring enough to the table. I am always missing some element in the process or whatever.

It seems though, just the past 2 weeks, I've made a turn. From doing very badly in my midsemester presentation, my tutors Jhana and Rosie have said that I'm much more enthusiastic, showing a lot of excitement, producing great ideas and am speaking confidently for the first time about my work. They're excited to see my end project. So you can imagine how awesome I felt, or am feeling. So yes, I have miraculously found the smallest ounce of motivation and put some effort into working hard. Not long left to go.

Tmrw : One presentation down
Friday: Handing in of the second presentation
Monday: Second presentation down
Tuesday: Preliminary presentation down
June 11th : Final presentation .. (Folios on the 18th of June)

Hectic ..

.. Is the the almost perfect way to describe the state of everything at the moment. This coming week is the last week of class for uni, and then for most uni-goers swotvac weeks begins, counting down towards midyear exams. For those design students like myself, its cramming as much tutorials and working towards preliminary presentations, final hand-ins and minor presentations, AND THEN pulling our best efforts together for the final presention. After that, its pretty much exhibtion and the handing in of the semesters portfoilo, easily done.
I've got so much to do, yet the number of things swimming around madly in my mind would resemble some sort of a massive traffic conjestion. At least after this week, it will be two less classes to worry about - sort of.



I can't wait for it to slow down, for it to stop.
I can't wait for freedom to hit.
I can't wait to get away.

Progress

It takes one bad or crap thing to lose sight of the good things in life. Well for me it does. Once that streak of lovely events comes to a sudden halt, I dive into a repetitive state of pessimism and negativity. Not because its easier than confronting everything, but just because I do. I am with great shame, weak. However, I can proudly say that the duration of these morbid periods are becoming shorter and shorter. That is progress right? Whats that quote or saying .. Some progress is better than none at all. - Or somethings, are better than nothing.
Apart from the shittiness recently, I'm rediscovering my long lost passion for design (touch wood - lets see how long this lasts) and I'm doing better in uni. On friday I had my best tutorial all semester. Maybe I can aim high this time and for once I actually believe that it is possible for me to achieve that.

Today was awesome :)

Monbulk

A rural town just out of Belgrave, Victoria, that I've been exploring for a project.
Very nice place to get away to. God knows I need to get away.

15

Best day ever.
Happy 15 months baby,
I love you.

A song Josh played for me

It's okay to have scars, they will make you who you are
It's okay to have fear, as long as you're not scared of coming here
And in the middle of the night, just call if you wanna talk
'Cause you know that I wanna talk too

It's not bad of you to think of what might go wrong
But you can't blame me for secretly hoping that I'll prove you wrong
It's okay that I pray that you will miss your flight
And have to stay with me another night

And it is brutal, it's brutal, why can't you see
It's brutal, it's brutal, where have you been
'Cause we're far apart and my lonely heart
Finds it hard to get through the night
You pull me out of the dark and now it's light
You pull me out of the dark and now it's light

When we're out in the market and out on the streets
I've got a pocket full of problems and a pocket full of seeds
Hoping something good might grow out of this mistletoe
And I won't have to erase your memory

I like the way that our arguments stop when we fall asleep
And the way that your body feels when it's wrapped around me
And I'd like it if you made it to mine by Christmas Eve
So you can hold me
And we'll watch Christmas TV

Hibernation

Watching the rain from my bed.

Piss Off

You are the laziest bitch ever.
You whinge like a bitch,
throw tantrums like one.
And you run like a whipped bitch to your friends.
Fuck off.

These Streets

Cross the border,
Into the big bad world
Where it takes you 'bout an hour
Just to cross the road
Just to stumble across another poor old soul from
The dreary old lanes to the high-street madness
I fight with my brain to believe my eyes
And it's harder than you think
To believe this sadness
That creeps up my spine
And haunts me through the night
And life is good and the girls are gorgeous
Suddenly the air smells much greener now
And I'm wondering around
With a half pack of cigarettes
Searching for the change that I've lost somehow

These streets have too many names for me
I'm used to Glenfield road and spending my time down in Orchy
I'll get used to this eventually
I know, I know

Where'd the days go? When all we did was play
And the stress that we were under wasn't stress at all
Just a run and a jump into a harmless fall from
Walking by a high-rise to a landmark square
You see millions of people with millions of cares
And I struggle to the train to make my way home
I look at the people as they sit there alone

Life is good, and the sun is shining
Everybody flirts to their ideal place
And the children all smile as a boat shuffled by them
Trying to pretend that they've got some space

The morning.

I really should be getting ready for school. Brush my teeth, wash my face, curl my lashes, smear some eye shadow on, slip into comfy clothes that will accomodate this oddd 27 degrees day. But I'm not .. Besides, Vy is still in the bathroom straightening her hair.
I have a full day at uni today. I know I'm already going to be be a little late for the first class because I have to run off and print my work. Then head off to Hannahs for lunch, do some work while I'm there, and then walk to Lygon street for class. Hopefully that class ends early. So I can come home and TIDY my room and house before everyone comes over.
I'm so hungry. Oh Vys done. Off I go.

Brace yourself.

A new place to share my psychotic thoughts.